As You Wish, Madam

She told me to shut up and just leave her there in the bathroom stall, filthy and spent. And you know I always obey a lady’s request.

Does What It Says

It’s 101 degrees. Time to Gold Bond “down there.”

God DAMMIT what am I going to do about my PROBLEMS

I just bought a lawn mower. I mean what in the HELL. How did it come to this.

Stomatown, USA

My menthol shaving cream smells like the vinyl couch in the smoking lounge at St. Anthony’s.

Old One Was Bonecrusha

New office nickname: Superballz. Hey Superballz come to this meeting. Superballz where is that file. Burritos, Superballz, let’s eat some.

She's a Nurse in Washington

Very personal email to my stepsister: RUN FOR COVER MOTHERFUCKER. Then I get an autoresponder that says I YAM IN COZUMEL SO NOBODY CARES :(

Here's Some Local Color

Sitting out back by the power station, smoking cloves. Ma’s trying to figure out “Janie’s Got a Gun” on the uke. The air is choked w/ennui.

Rape Isn't Funny

Frankly these Life Savers don’t taste anything like Strawberry Cheesecake and in fact taste more like Strawberry Child Molestation.

What's Up with the Crappy RSS Feed

You think that blind guy knows his suspenders are rainbow-striped like Mork’s?

It Was The Vanishing Bikini One

Why did I leave my lucky pen in that guy’s soleus muscle.

Was Two-Fifty

It’s Saturday night, so as per usual I’m sporting my “Mustache Rides Now Only $1” tam o’shanter. How’s it going, you ask? $3.75, chump!

Only Three Hundo with Dental Co-pay

My bling tooth doesn’t look as rad in the cold light of day as it did last night reflected in your stepmother’s bloodshot eyes. Sigh!

This is Already Dated

Walk Score: My legs were long ago deformed into twisted useless husks by polio. Thanks for bringing it up.

Holidayless

“August is a mean, sweaty woman but at least she ain’t July.” — Waylon Jennings quote I just made up

Odor-Causing Bacteria

I need some me-time, son. Gonna go bust a grump then pop some Oust out of respect.